Art School Lemming
San Francisco Wildlife #19
Incredibly, most of the apartment buildings in San Francisco are now designated housing for art students. Apparently, some one tells about 10,000 young creatures per year that enjoying video games and anime is enough of a reason to register for private art school, and that after a few short years, they will be escorted to the gates of the Pixar campus for their first day on the job.
Yes, the one thing you may have heard about lemmings is absolutely true. They will, in fact follow each-other straight off the edge of a cliff. What makes the Art School Lemming unique is that his cliff looks less like a sudden drop in the landscape, more like a towering pile of student loan debt that can never, ever be paid off with his future job as a chalk artist for Trader Joe's.
But don't fret for the Art School Lemming's future. When the seasons change and he flunks out of school, those big skater-punk pants from Hot Topic will convert to a warm, dry shelter.
Activewear Gull
This bird can be identified by her markings: black stretch pants, jogging shoes with neon accents, zip-up top. She will be carrying a water bottle, and rolled yoga mat.
These markings let us know she is either on her way to a Yoga or Zumba class, on the way back from a Yoga or Zumba class, or somewhere in-between. Basically, she is prepared to work out at any moment, all day, every day.
Yes,
the Activewear Gull is into fitness but she is also very, very busy. So
busy that she has no time to change into any other clothing.
And if she is busy, that means she is important. So if you see a gull
in yoga pants you know she is definitely an influential go-getter. Or she
just likes stretchy clothes.
Start-Up Possum
With his fresh Masters degree in Engineering secured in his leather messenger bag, the Start-UPossum migrates to San Francisco. Once he has found a start-up company to mate with, he begins the arduous task of filling his hi-rise apartment with expensive stuff.
The Start-UPossum hopes to eventually find a more appropriate mate but first he must finish the process of becoming Steve McQueen. He is already on his way when he makes his first large purchase; the custom Triumph bike which was built new for him and is somehow vintage at the same time. And by carrying his matching custom helmet (a subtle, but beautiful army green) wherever he goes, he can show potential mates that he pretty much is Steve McQueen.
The Eager to be Naked Beaver
Whenever the temperature in San Francisco pushes past 60 degrees you may see them. The Eager to be Naked Beaver lives for any opportunity to be bare in public. The athletic males remove thier shirts. The hairy, free spirits remove everything but their puka shell necklace. On a sunny day, female Eager Beavers (a bit more rare) can be spotted wearing a bikini, laying on any patch of grass larger than their beach towel. |
Little Owl Lady
Amongst the hurried business people, young, tech start-up owners, hipsters, hippies, punks, drop-outs and weirdos the little owl lady is nearly invisible. This is not due to any camouflaging markings. Its only because every creature in the wilderness of San Francisco assesses others as those that can either Eat or be Eaten. The little owl lady is not a threat. She will not attack you (unless you are in her way when she is trying to get off the bus). She also cannot do anything for you. She won't date you. She cannot get you a job or hook your band up with a gig at the Red Devil Lounge. And so she is rarely "seen", even in broad daylight.
Some little-known facts about the little owl lady:
- Despite its size and slow pace, a little owl lady can lift twice its weight in weird groceries.
- Little owl ladies have an average of 7 grandkids in college and will collect 40 metric tons of recyclables each year in order to keep them there.
- Little owl ladies are flightless birds, so they ride MUNI.
The Used Record Rat
Three
times a week, the used record rat wakes up at 2PM in the morning,
gets off his best friend's couch and heads to work. This remarkable
creature actually has communication skills, though very limited. It
can acknowledge your presence with an eventual nod of the head. It
can also speak in basic greetings like "Sup, man?" But don't
mistake this for an ability to actually help you. The used record rat
is incapable of saying things like "It will be just a minute,
and then I can help you." or "She can actually take care of you at the other counter." Instead the rat will look down and
continue shuffling stacks of CDs by Smashmouth, Ace of Base and other
bands no one likes anymore until you eventually throw your arms up, say "Fuck it, never-mind" and leave. Why? Because turning you into the dick affirms that he is the cool one. And being cool is all the used record rat has.
Designer Victim Penguin
Not every creature in in the wilds of San Francisco can be a peacock. The Designer Victim Penguin is not born with that jaw-dropping flash and dazzle the peacock gives off so effortlessly. Why can't he feel a little fancy too? We understand. But a penguin that buys his flash can easily go overboard in a city that offers a sea of glamour. Like a goat left alone on a lush exotic island, eating until his stomach explodes, the Designer Victim Penguin will never stop mindlessly consuming clothes, accessories, and anything else with a label.
Faux Pimp Fox
A genuine Pimp Wolf can be very hard to spot in the wilds of San Francisco. Our only real clue is that he is being a dick to more than one female at a time. On the other hand the Faux Pimp Fox can be spotted easily roaming the plains of the SoMa or strutting down Divisadero Street. Always alone, he hunts for the next clearance sale at a Spirit Halloween Store.
Tenderloin Terry
Terry The Tenderloin Terrier
Explorers of San Francisco will no doubt want to see Union Square, which is home to a vast amount of shopping and place one can hop (after a 1 hour wait) onto a cable car. Be aware though, deviate from the trails by a block or two and you may find yourself in the lawless wilderness known as the Tenderloin.
Party Hound
You can remove a hound from a party but you can't remove the party from a hound.
Khaki Koala
Khaki Koala
The male Khaki Koala is a puzzling creature. While the female of this species will carry her belongings in a Louis Vuitton purse, or even load up an otherwise empty stroller, the male chooses to jam all of his worldly possessions into the two pockets that occur naturally on each side of his Dockers.
The Mission Marmot
The Mission Marmot
Thanks in part to their opposable thumbs, Mission marmots are often artists. Or more commonly, "very artistic". For a 12-pack of liquid encouragement called PBR, these adorable, lumberjack-like creatures can draw you some diamond shapes that would probably look pretty sick on a skateboard.
Mission Marmots do not drive. Instead they make their way over the near-virtical San Francisco hills on "fixies", bicycles with no breaks and one gear. This has everything to do with their stance on Big Oil and nothing to do with their recent string of DUIs.
Aging Goth Three-Toed Sloth
We all know that there is nothing cuter than a baby sloth. But eventually the young sloth must assert its maturity and independence. This is often done by embracing all that is dark and "disturbing". By dying areas of its fur to unnatural colors and applying unflattering markings to its face, the soon-to-be-grown sloth tells its parents (and everyone else) that she no longer needs to be told what to do to survive in this harsh, totally fucked up world, OK?!!
Sadly (so...very sadly), some sloths never transition from this phase into true maturity. The Aging Goth Three-toed Sloth is a heart-breaking example of a creature who got stuck somehow in its development. She still turns her back on the "Normals" who have long-since grown bored with her once outrageous markings. After decade of brooding and sulking she knows no other way but to go on rebelling against....well, against what, science just can't be sure.
Bridge n' Tunnel Bulls
Seen only on Friday and Saturday nights, bridge n' tunnel bulls migrate to the city from their natural habitat (Roseville, probably) to drink, get laid, and smash things.
Bridge n' tunnel bulls can be easily identified by their markings which have evolved to keep them well camouflaged amongst the products found in their environment (Costco).
These fascinating beasts always travel in packs, usually numbering from 2 - 6, though in many cases such as Santa-con or Bay-to-breakers, their numbers can quickly grow into the hundreds of thousands.
Listen for their calls:
- Lemme buy you a vodka and Redbull, baby.
- Don't call it Frisco, dude! They hate that.
- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!